We are not amused.
My friend Sue gave me a 6 foot snake last year for my birthday.
So, I brought it home and showed Ted and then a bunch of inappropriate snake innuendo jokes about snakes, trousers and rabbit holes ensued. Because we are still 12. But, we really didn’t give the idea that an inflatable snake would really keep Thumper and his brood out of our garden a lot of credence. I mean if a Dragon and the 20 cats that roam the neighborhood can’t manage it, what was a fake snake going to do?
If you are my Facebook friend, then you know that last weekend we installed tomatoes, peppers and beans here at GrowDammit Central. And true to form, the herd of cottontails that have their warren in the neighbor’s yard, started to take notice of the new source of dinner. So, we thought why not? Let’s bring out the big guns and see what is what. The worst thing that could happen would be that Sue would get her money back.
We’ve moved him around the garden perimeter for the past few days. It’s kind of off-putting when you see him out of the corner of your eye. The best is that we haven’t seen hide nor hare.
When the spawn asked if it was working, Ted told him that a leaf wouldn’t even fall in the yard. Sorry Sue.
Feel free to leave any snake innuendo jokes you might have in the comments.
For whatever reason, the Dragon lost his interest. If you are confused read this.
We were sitting here tonight watching WOF, which I am freakishly good at from the sofa in my den. I’ve had a few friends who have been on games shows, and they have assured me that actually being in the spotlight significantly makes you second guess yourself and dumbs you down by like 50 IQ points. This is why I’ve never tried to get on the show, despite the encouragement of the spawn.
Anyway instead of sitting back tonight in amazement of my awesomeness, Ted decided he was going to one up me on the “Things Around the House” puzzle. Mind you, he wasn’t even looking at the TV when he attempted to solve it in rapid fire succession. It’s better if you read these in the classic Wheel of Fortune contestant voice – loud and well pronounced with pregnant pauses to make sure you aren’t misunderstood.
Pat, I’d like to solve the puzzle…
Pack of Rubbers
Bra on the Floor
Easy Glide Applicator
Ribbed for Her Pleasure
I’d like to buy an X Pat
Oily Anal Discharge
Massengil for That Not So Fresh Feeling
The spawn immediately elected him king of Wheel of Fortune, despite the fact that he would have been escorted from the premises right after “pack of rubbers.” Probably.
ETA…the eldest spawn elected him king, the youngest spawn is horrified.
My Office Manager sent this email to the company today…
Will you help me celebrate my mom’s birthday?
My mom is going to be 104 this month; when she was 85, I started doing creative things to try to make each birthday special – little did I know that I would still be striving for special 19 years later!
This year’s idea is a “card shower”. I have been contacting friends and family around the country to request birthday cards; even suggesting they solicit cards from their friends. Goal is 104 cards!
Facts about Edna:
- She was born April 20, 1909
- She remembers the end of World War 1
- She remembers the headlines about Charles Lindbergh, Amelia Earheart, and Seabiscuit
- She worked through the Great Depression
- She lived in Chicago during the Roaring Twenties (Al Capone, St. Valentine’s Day Massacre); went to Speakeasys and drank bathtub gin
- She traveled to Hawaii when the only way to get was by boat
She currently lives alone in an apartment and has no ailments (HOW CAN THAT BE!!!). When we play cards, she can add up the score in her head as fast as the rest of us! Please help celebrate this special lady’s birthday. Thanks!
Let’s make it 204 people! If you want to participate, message me here or on Facebook for her address. I’d rather not put it out on a public blog.
If you want to send a dude from Golden Banana BirthdayGrams, message me here or on Facebook for my address.
What? I have to hold auditions.
And, probably so are you. That is if you plug in your cell phone or any other device that you need to charge while you are at work and you don’t own the business, according to a friend of mine’s former boss. Apparently this is considered stealing electricity.
This gets better.
Don’t dare take out the trash bag full of rotten food that is making the entire staff want to vomit. This is gross insubordination, and makes you an untrustworthy employee.
Feel free to share this blog post with everyone you know. Consider it a PSA from me to the rest of the poor hardworking shmos out there who are unwittingly stealing and being generally shifty.