We are not amused.
Category Archives: growdammit
For whatever reason, the Dragon lost his interest. If you are confused read this.
We were sitting here tonight watching WOF, which I am freakishly good at from the sofa in my den. I’ve had a few friends who have been on games shows, and they have assured me that actually being in the spotlight significantly makes you second guess yourself and dumbs you down by like 50 IQ points. This is why I’ve never tried to get on the show, despite the encouragement of the spawn.
Anyway instead of sitting back tonight in amazement of my awesomeness, Ted decided he was going to one up me on the “Things Around the House” puzzle. Mind you, he wasn’t even looking at the TV when he attempted to solve it in rapid fire succession. It’s better if you read these in the classic Wheel of Fortune contestant voice – loud and well pronounced with pregnant pauses to make sure you aren’t misunderstood.
Pat, I’d like to solve the puzzle…
Pack of Rubbers
Bra on the Floor
Easy Glide Applicator
Ribbed for Her Pleasure
I’d like to buy an X Pat
Oily Anal Discharge
Massengil for That Not So Fresh Feeling
The spawn immediately elected him king of Wheel of Fortune, despite the fact that he would have been escorted from the premises right after “pack of rubbers.” Probably.
ETA…the eldest spawn elected him king, the youngest spawn is horrified.
My Office Manager sent this email to the company today…
Will you help me celebrate my mom’s birthday?
My mom is going to be 104 this month; when she was 85, I started doing creative things to try to make each birthday special – little did I know that I would still be striving for special 19 years later!
This year’s idea is a “card shower”. I have been contacting friends and family around the country to request birthday cards; even suggesting they solicit cards from their friends. Goal is 104 cards!
Facts about Edna:
- She was born April 20, 1909
- She remembers the end of World War 1
- She remembers the headlines about Charles Lindbergh, Amelia Earheart, and Seabiscuit
- She worked through the Great Depression
- She lived in Chicago during the Roaring Twenties (Al Capone, St. Valentine’s Day Massacre); went to Speakeasys and drank bathtub gin
- She traveled to Hawaii when the only way to get was by boat
She currently lives alone in an apartment and has no ailments (HOW CAN THAT BE!!!). When we play cards, she can add up the score in her head as fast as the rest of us! Please help celebrate this special lady’s birthday. Thanks!
Let’s make it 204 people! If you want to participate, message me here or on Facebook for her address. I’d rather not put it out on a public blog.
If you want to send a dude from Golden Banana BirthdayGrams, message me here or on Facebook for my address.
What? I have to hold auditions.
You are raising a whole new generation.
Farmer Ted and I went to Longwood Gardens tonight to take a sneak peek at their Christmas Light Spectacular Awesomeness Display. And, it was both spectacular and awesome. We did a quick run through, and we will be back on a Monday, when it is less crowded.
We enjoyed some lights, and almost got into a fight.
You read that right.
When you pay your admission and enter the gardens, you agree to a set of terms and conditions that not only determine and promise the enjoyment of all of the other guests, but also protects the delicate environment that we are being given continued witness. You should stay on the paths and off of the fauna and flora.
So, when we walked passed a family encouraging their spawn to climb the branches of a lit 100 year old dogwood to take pictures…which is violating two rules…I said out loud “I’m pretty sure you aren’t supposed to be climbing the trees.” To which Dad replied, “They’re kids.” To which I replied, “And, You’re their parent act like one and respect the rules.” To which Dad replied “Merry Christmas!” At this point I had to restrain Ted from being brought up assault charges because really Longwood should be better at reinforcing their own rules.
First, I’m pretty sure the spawn were not begging to climb the tree. Mom wanted a cute picture and encouraged it.
Second, if my spawn wanted to climb trees where they weren’t supposed to a simple NO would do the trick.
We have a wonderful opportunity as the public to enjoy a private property for its beauty. Pierre DuPont bought this piece of land as a visionary in conservationism. He was only trying to save a stand of ancient trees. He expanded with a beautiful home, a dairy farm , an amazing conservatory not only to revolutionize horticulture, but to bring it to the public.
Here is what is going to happen.
I can walk through a beautiful stand of dogwoods that are hundreds of years old. Some asshole lets his kids climb on them, against the rules, to get a picture. Every other asshole, lets their kids do the same take pics. Asshole adults do the same because it is fun. The trees are stressed. Fences have to be erected to keep people off of the trees. I might as well as visit a zoo. For trees. Because assholes can’t obey the goddamned rules.
Merry Christmas Jerkoff and to the entitled pissants you are raising.
I mentioned in an earlier blog post that for our fall/winter GrowDammit crop we planted collards, swiss chard and brussel sprouts in the flower garden near the deck in hopes that this would deter the wildlife from using them for supper. No such luck. Something has been chomping away on them.
The other night, Farmer Ted was in the garage and heard something munching. He grabbed a flashlight and went to investigate. Who was the culprit?
Here’s who he found feasting away…
The hell Rufus?
Dealing with the leftovers. What do you do on Day 3? Turkey Tetrazzini? Turkey Stroganoff? Turkey Soup? Turkey Pot Pie? Not us. We make Thanksgiving Garbage Plate. Which is to say, we take all of the leftovers and make them into a glorious leftover casserole. We don’t even try to disguise the fact that you are eating the same meal all over again.
Throw it in the oven at 350 until it is bubbly. Then enjoy your feast. This is the spawn’s preferred method because there is nothing like carbs on bread…
Tonight is the Clemson-Carolina game. Go Cocks. I’ll be watching and decorating.
We have an 18 1/2 pound turkey. For two. That’s right folks, it will be only Farmer Ted and I for tomorrow night’s feast as the spawn will be elsewhere (don’t worry we will send them off with a Thanksgiving breakfast). I present The Feast, which thus far consists of…
And, depending on my mood tomorrow there may be an addition. What can I say? We like leftovers.
If you read the blog last year and are astute, then you will notice the one dish that is missing from the menu which makes a hypocrite of me. If you didn’t read the blog last year, or you are not astute, then you can read about what is missing here.
Since we don’t have a shitton of family descending upon us this year, maybe we will get some pictures of the food.
Also, only one of my neighbors has Christmas lights up and lit this year. I can’t stand when people jump the gun on holidays and decorating. One at a time people is my motto.It’s like my prayers to the holiday gods were answered. I’m not sure if I should be impressed or scared.
Happy Turkey Day Y’all!