Category Archives: Spawn

by | June 15, 2013 · 11:52 pm

Yet another proud spawn moment.

This is what the 7th grade history teacher had to say about his student of the year choice yesterday…

This next individual, I wouldn’t say he always had a smile on his face, but he always had a look on his face like he wanted to ask a question.  There is one thing as a history teacher I like, and that is when I’m challenged.

History isn’t about what happened and exactly what happened and those specific facts.  We have to take a look at documents and try to figure out what happened.  So, it’s very exciting when students dig deeper and doesn’t accept only what’s written and they take a look and try to analyze and review these facts and try to figure out what happened.

This individual was very good and an astounding individual this year in terms of asking those questions.  I’d like to ask to the stage…the youngest spawn.

He didn’t really call him the youngest spawn.  And the not always smiling bit made me laugh because it is totally the youngest spawn.   That and Every Other award winner was revered as always having a smile on his/her face.  Not one other teacher mentioned feeling challenged.

Anyway he continues to amaze me with the progress he makes to overcome some issues that if he let them, would hinder his success in life.  You can read more about that here.

Oh, and he also won music student of the year.  That was part of a larger group of Unified Arts award winners, so there were no individual awards.

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by | May 11, 2013 · 9:41 pm

Well, I’ll be damned.

My friend Sue gave me a 6 foot snake last year for my birthday.

garden snake

An inflatable natural enemy scarecrow snake.  It’s a new breed.  One that doesn’t bite.

So, I brought it home and showed Ted and then a bunch of inappropriate snake innuendo jokes about snakes, trousers and rabbit holes ensued.  Because we are still 12.  But, we really didn’t give the idea that an inflatable snake would really keep Thumper and his brood out of our garden a lot of credence.  I mean if a Dragon and the 20  cats that roam the neighborhood can’t manage it, what was a fake snake going to do?

If you are my Facebook friend, then you know that last weekend we installed tomatoes, peppers and beans here at GrowDammit Central.  And true to form, the herd of cottontails that have their warren in the neighbor’s yard, started to take notice of the new source of dinner.  So, we thought why not?  Let’s bring out the big guns and see what is what.  The worst thing that could happen would be that Sue would get her money back.

garden snake

We named him Lucifer. You have to hiss when you pronounce the C.

We’ve moved him around the garden perimeter for the past few days.  It’s kind of off-putting when you see him out of the corner of your eye.  The best is that we haven’t seen hide nor hare.

Get it?

When the spawn asked if it was working, Ted told him that a leaf wouldn’t even fall in the yard.  Sorry Sue.

Feel free to leave any snake innuendo jokes you might have in the comments.

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by | April 25, 2013 · 2:00 am

This is why Ted will never be on Wheel of Fortune. Or TV.

We were sitting here tonight watching WOF, which I am freakishly good at from the sofa in my den.  I’ve had a few friends who have been on games shows, and they  have assured me that actually being in the spotlight significantly makes you second guess yourself and dumbs you down by like 50 IQ points.  This is why I’ve never tried to get on the show, despite the encouragement of the spawn.

Anyway instead of sitting back tonight in amazement of my awesomeness, Ted decided he was going to one up me on the “Things Around the House” puzzle.  Mind you, he wasn’t even looking at the TV when he attempted to solve it in rapid fire succession.  It’s better if you read these in the classic Wheel of Fortune contestant voice – loud and well pronounced with pregnant pauses to make sure you aren’t misunderstood.

Pat, I’d like to solve the puzzle…

Pack of Rubbers

Bra on the Floor

Easy Glide Applicator

Ribbed for Her Pleasure

I’d like to buy an X Pat

Oily Anal Discharge

Massengil for That Not So Fresh Feeling

The spawn immediately elected him king of Wheel of Fortune, despite the fact that he would have been escorted from the premises right after “pack of rubbers.”  Probably.

ETA…the eldest spawn elected him king, the youngest spawn is horrified.

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by | January 17, 2013 · 1:11 am

Just Keeping it Real

It’s become an obsession.

His and Her Sock Monkeys

We now have His and Her Sock Monkeys.

This is in addition to the vintage sock monkey the Spawn gave Ted for Christmas.

Confused?  Click here to read about how this all began.  Click here to read how this all kept going.  Want more?  Do a search for sock monkey on the blog to see how it all got out of control.

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by | December 9, 2012 · 3:22 am

Congratulations…Your parents raised an entitled asshole, and so are you.

You are raising a whole new generation.

Farmer Ted and I went to Longwood Gardens tonight to take a sneak peek at their Christmas Light Spectacular Awesomeness Display.  And, it was both spectacular and awesome.  We did a quick run through, and we will be back on a Monday, when it is less crowded.

We enjoyed some lights, and almost got into a fight.

You read that right.

When you pay your admission and enter the gardens, you agree to a set of terms and conditions that not only determine and promise the  enjoyment of all of the other guests, but also protects the delicate environment that we are being given continued witness.  You should stay on the paths and off of the fauna and flora.

So, when we walked passed a family encouraging their spawn to climb the branches of a lit 100 year old dogwood to take pictures…which is violating two rules…I said out loud “I’m pretty sure you aren’t supposed to be climbing the trees.”  To which Dad replied, “They’re kids.”  To which I replied, “And, You’re their parent act like one and respect the rules.”  To which Dad replied “Merry Christmas!”  At this point I had to restrain Ted from being brought up assault charges because really Longwood should be better at reinforcing their own rules.

First, I’m pretty sure the spawn were not begging to climb the tree.  Mom wanted a cute picture and encouraged it.

Second, if my spawn wanted to climb trees where they weren’t supposed to a simple NO would do the trick.

We have a wonderful opportunity as the public to enjoy a private property for its beauty. Pierre DuPont bought this piece of land as a visionary in conservationism.  He was only trying to save a stand of ancient trees.  He expanded with a beautiful home, a dairy farm , an amazing conservatory not only to revolutionize horticulture, but to bring it to the public.

Here is what is going to happen.

I can walk through a beautiful stand of dogwoods that are hundreds of years old.  Some asshole lets his kids climb on them, against the rules, to get a picture.  Every other asshole, lets their kids do the same take pics.   Asshole adults do the same because it is fun.  The trees are stressed.   Fences have to be erected to keep people off of the trees.  I might as well as visit a zoo.  For trees.  Because assholes can’t obey the goddamned rules.

Merry Christmas Jerkoff and to the entitled pissants you are raising.

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by | November 24, 2012 · 11:13 pm

Fallout

Dealing with the leftovers.  What do you do on Day 3?  Turkey Tetrazzini?  Turkey Stroganoff?  Turkey Soup?  Turkey Pot Pie?  Not us.  We make Thanksgiving Garbage Plate.  Which is to say, we take all of the leftovers and make them into a glorious leftover casserole.  We don’t even try to disguise the fact that you are eating the same meal all over again.

garbageplate1

First, line your pie plate with leftover stuffing. In our case cornbread sausage stuffing.

garbageplate2

Then, we layer on leftover mashed po’s and gravy.

garbageplate3

Or, with leftover jalapeno cheese grits casserole.

garbageplate4

Top with chopped collards, turkey and more gravy.

garbageplate5

Really, you can layer it anyway you want.

Throw it in the oven at 350 until it is bubbly.  Then enjoy your feast.  This is the spawn’s preferred method because there is nothing like carbs on bread…

garbageplate6

On a sandwich. With a layer of greenbean casserole on bottom and cranberry sauce on top for condiments.

Tonight is the Clemson-Carolina game.  Go Cocks.  I’ll be watching and decorating.

 

 

 

 

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by | November 22, 2012 · 1:12 am

Go Big or Go Home

We have an 18 1/2 pound turkey.  For two.  That’s right folks, it will be only Farmer Ted and I for tomorrow night’s feast as the spawn will be elsewhere (don’t worry we will send them off with a Thanksgiving breakfast).  I present The Feast, which thus far consists of…

Thanksgiving Menu

This.

And, depending on my mood tomorrow there may be an addition.  What can I say?  We like leftovers.

If you read the blog last year and are astute, then you will notice the one dish that is missing from the menu which makes a hypocrite of me.  If you didn’t read the blog last year, or you are not astute, then you can read about what is missing here.

Since we don’t have a shitton of family descending upon us this year, maybe we will get some pictures of the food.

Also, only one of my neighbors has Christmas lights up and lit this year.  I can’t stand when people jump the gun on holidays and decorating.  One at a time people is my motto.It’s like my prayers to the holiday gods were answered.  I’m not sure if I should be impressed or scared.

Happy Turkey Day Y’all!

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by | November 16, 2012 · 12:14 am

I’m going to need some bail money.

Today, while I was at work I missed a phone call from the eldest spawn.  So, I texted him to find out what was up.

carbon monoxide

Seriously?

I called Ted to see if the house was filled with carbon monoxide.  No answer.

Then, I called the eldest spawn.  Even though he is obviously clueless that he might want to be slightly concerned.

Me:  What the hell?

Eldest Spawn:  I’m pretty sure it’s just the battery.

Me:  What if it isn’t?  It didn’t occur to you to crack a window or something?

Eldest Spawn:  Don’t worry Mom.  We aren’t going to die from carbon monoxide.

Me:  Go open the back door to let air in until I can get home.

The spawn argue with each other about who is going to open the back door.

Me:  I have a meeting, please someone just open the damn door.

The spawn argue some more.

Me:  You’d better open that door, so you don’t die before I can get home and strangle you.

 

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by | August 7, 2012 · 3:21 am

Happy Birthday Eldest Spawn!

Remember the mantra…Be Yourself, Just Don’t Be An Asshole.

Blue Crabs Running Scared

Blue Crabs Running Scared

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by | August 4, 2012 · 1:06 am

Don’t be such a jick!

That’s what happens when the youngest spawn is good and fed up with being teased by the eldest spawn and calls him a name that emphasizes he is being a little bit of a jerk with a healthy dose of being a dick thrown in.  In this case, the youngest spawn was good and pissed, and stuttered a bit to get the insult out.

Turns out, he isn’t the first.  It’s already in the Urban Dictionary.

Jick

“A complete and utter asshole,” which I’m sure the eldest spawn was being.

Fine Urban Dictionary.  We submitted our good friend Mannie‘s definition for the verb we created, boober, and you still only have nouns listed on your site.

boober

The fuck with the verb hate Urban Dictionary?

Anyway, on the part of the youngest spawn it is brilliant b/c he is being insulting w/out cursing, which is always imaginative.  Not that I have a problem with cursing, but I do applaud a good imagination.  He is famous for his spawnisms.

It has also prompted several new GrowDammit vocabulary terms…jickhead, jickbump, jickweed.  You get the picture.

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