I have an “ass dress.” It’s a cute little black knit dress from Ann Taylor Loft. The first time Ted saw me in it, he referred to it as my ass dress. I thought he meant it made my ass look fantastic. Wrong.
The next time I wore it, he said “Nice pink thong.” So, I figured he called it my ass dress because you could see colored underthings through it. Wrong.
The other day I had it on, and it turns out that when I’m outside in the sunlight you can actually see my ass through the damn dress. Even when what’s underneath is black. At least I can only hope it’s when I’m out in the sun, and not at the office. You’d think if I’m showing my ass in the office SOMEONE would have pulled me aside and said, “Hey, I can see your ass through your dress.”
Y’all. Always, Always tell someone when they have shit in their teeth, their zipper is down or their ass is visible through their dress. It only makes you look like an asshole if I’ve been speaking to you, get home and realize I have a piece of spinach the size of China covering an incisor.
The only time my advice about a tag hanging out wasn’t well received was when I gave a heads up to Thong Mom. Thong Mom was a mom of a kid in the youngest spawn’s preschool class. She had a penchant for wearing low riding pants that showed off her panties and their witty saying everytime she bent over to hug her bundle of joy. Which was often. We were at preschool graduation, and Thong Mom bent to hug the spawn but instead of seeing “Sexy” I saw a tag. Her thong was inside out. Not being one to not tell someone if spinach is in their teeth, I tapped her on the shoulder and said, “Your tag’s showing.” She reached up to the back of her neck, and I said “Not that one.” She did not thank me.
Next…I dunno. What I do know is that I need a slip. Do they still make those?