Insomnia wins, or why you should never wear your bathrobe outside of your house unless…


you are collecting your newspaper.  It is never acceptable. Never.

Not even if you are in your car going through a drive-thru.

I had to go to Dunkin Donuts this morning to get muffins and coffee (notice no part of a donut was purchased) for a Board Meeting. Yes, I am a jack-of-all trades at my office, and no they don’t like donuts. Take Note Y’all for Job Security: Always make yourself Necessary, so when the Owner of the company accosts you when you walk in about nosh for the Board Meeting you have it covered and he says, “What did we ever do without you?” This makes me AND my VP boss look awesome. Hey, we are a startup. I’d clean toilets if I had to.  She calls me her Gatekeeper.  I figure that translates into Necessary.

Anyway, I was in line at the DD. And this chick in front of me was in her purple terrycloth bathrobe. Her BATHROBE. With brownish leggings and black flats underneath. Her hair was thrown together in a careless bun, and she was youngerish bordering on college student aged. But she was still wearing her bathrobe like it was a coat. I thought, maybe she’s a model going on a shoot AND THEN I saw her profile.  So, I figured, Hey she’s homeless and I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. And then she climbed into her Escalade. And my heart sank for the future of our country.

Don’t get me started about the grown man we saw in town the other day. In his black flannel pajama pants with huge neon planets all over them. I can only pray that Pluto was included because I don’t care what the so-called scientists say, Pluto is a motherfucking planet. If it isn’t, my whole education is null and void.  Unacceptable.

Next…Why can’t I sleep?  Why?

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