Dear Soon to Be Ex-Neighbor,
I’ve lived across the street from you for over 13 years, and never realized what a T-Total Bitch you are. Granted I didn’t know you all that well, since you rarely ever left your house. Frankly, at one point I thought you were a vampire. Now I know you are a just a passive aggressive twat.
Yes, it is true that in the past few weeks we have been using the driveway of your home that has stood vacant for over a year. With 3 drivers and 2 feet of snow on the ground, it’s been a total lesson in playing musical cars for us. It’s also true that if it weren’t for the kindness of neighbors, your driveway would be under about 2 feet of snow right now. Since you couldn’t be bothered to have someone come care for your property in the past year, neighbors have been blowing the snow and cutting the grass and getting rid of the leaves.
Let’s get the facts straight right off the rip. The eldest spawn parked his car at the bottom of your drive, that WE and your other neighbor had cleaned the bottom of after having 16 inches of snow dumped on us the night before. When someone, who was not you, came and asked us to move it, we did immediately Then later someone, still not you, came and blew the rest of the snow off of the top of the drive. Here’s the problem, they didn’t shovel the inch of slush left from the blower and it froze overnight. THAT is why your driveway is a sheet of ice and you had to cancel the last minute garage sale that you apparently planned overnight for this morning – when we were expecting another round of ice and snow.
This sign you put up this morning was completely unnecessary.
The fine print says …
Sorry about all the ice. We have the neighbor across the street to blame for all this ice. The neighbor parked his car at the end of my driveway and blocked my driveway so the plow could not get in. His mother would not allow her own child to park in their own driveway park behind her car because she didn’t want to be blocked in. Consequently, the jerk parked his car in my the driveway.
Lets get a few things straight “Blondie”:
A. You didn’t send a plow. You sent an old man with a rinky-dink snow blower who did a half-assed job.
B. I’m not sure how you would know what I will and will not allow my spawn to do because not only have you not been around for a year, but you only left the house about once a month when you did live here.
C. My car wasn’t even here to be blocked in because it was at work with me. I understand work is a foreign concept to you, since from what I can tell you never did any of it.
D. The minute the jerk was asked to move the car, he did.
E. You are going to be very sorry you called my spawn a jerk tomorrow when you show up for said garage sale, if you bother to show up, because Ted is good and pissed and has a thing or two to say to you. I’ve asked him not to say anything about the extracurricular activities you participated in when you were still married.
F. You might want to check your grammar the next time you want to leave a nasty gram. It’s embarrassing. Aren’t you supposed to be some sort of freelance writer? From the looks of it, you probably aren’t very successful.
Sayonara Bitch. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out of the neighborhood. You won’t be missed.
The Jerk’s Mother