Category Archives: Spawn

Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish

Dear Soon to Be Ex-Neighbor,

I’ve lived across the street from you for over 13 years, and never realized what a T-Total Bitch you are.  Granted I didn’t know you all that well, since you rarely ever left your house.  Frankly, at one point I thought you were a vampire.  Now I know you are a just a passive aggressive twat.

Yes, it is true that in the past few weeks we have been using the driveway of your home that has stood vacant for over a year.  With 3 drivers and 2 feet of snow on the ground, it’s been a total lesson in playing musical cars for us.  It’s also true that if it weren’t for the kindness of neighbors, your driveway would be under about 2 feet of snow right now.  Since you couldn’t be bothered to have someone come care for your property in the past year, neighbors have been blowing the snow and cutting the grass and getting rid of the leaves.

Let’s get the facts straight right off the rip.  The eldest spawn parked his car at the bottom of your drive, that WE and your other neighbor had cleaned the bottom of after having 16 inches of snow dumped on us the night before.  When someone, who was not you, came and asked us to move it, we did immediately  Then later someone, still not you, came and blew the rest of the snow off of the top of the drive.  Here’s the problem, they didn’t shovel the inch of slush left from the blower and it froze overnight.  THAT is why your driveway is a sheet of ice and you had to cancel the last minute garage sale that you apparently planned overnight for this morning – when we were expecting another round of ice and snow.

This sign you put up this morning was completely unnecessary.

my neighbor is a bitch


bitchy neighbor sign 2

The fine print explaining that is is my fault that your driveway is a sheet of ice.

The fine print says …

Sorry about all the ice.  We have the neighbor across the street to blame for all this ice.  The neighbor parked his car at the end of my driveway and blocked my driveway so the plow could not get in.  His mother would not allow her own child to park in their own driveway park behind her car because she didn’t want to be blocked in.  Consequently, the jerk parked his car in my the driveway.

Lets get a few things straight “Blondie”:

A.  You didn’t send a plow.  You sent an old man with a rinky-dink snow blower who did a half-assed job.

B.  I’m not sure how you would know what I will and will not allow my spawn to do because not only have you not been around for a year, but you only left the house about once a month when you did live here.

C.  My car wasn’t even here to be blocked in because it was at work with me.  I understand work is a foreign concept to you, since from what I can tell you never did any of it.

D.  The minute the jerk was asked to move the car, he did.

E.  You are going to be very sorry you called my spawn a jerk tomorrow when you show up for said garage sale, if you bother to show up, because Ted is good and pissed and has a thing or two to say to you.  I’ve asked him not to say anything about the extracurricular activities you participated in when you were still married.

F.  You might want to check your grammar the next time you want to leave a nasty gram.  It’s embarrassing.  Aren’t you supposed to be some sort of freelance writer?  From the looks of it, you probably aren’t very successful.

Sayonara Bitch.  Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out of the neighborhood.  You won’t be missed.


The Jerk’s Mother



Filed under growdammit, Spawn

I’m probably raising a couple of racists. And, you might be too.

Because, come to find out, the classic peanut butter and jelly sandwich is racist.  At least according to the Principal of a school district in Portland it is.

I apologize in advance people.  Who knew?  I didn’t.  Nor did I get the “Courageous Conversations” memo.  I don’t live in, nor have I ever been to Portland.  And, I’ve never really even considered that it would by any stretch of the imagination be considered white privilege.  Does this mean it is only offensive if it is on white bread?  Could we all have been spared if we had just chosen wheat?  I am hesitant to denounce peanut butter because according to this Wikipedia article, peanuts are found all over the world and in all types of cuisine.  I suppose then that jelly is in cahoots with white bread?  Wikipedia indicates that while some sort of jellyish type of substances are found multi-culturally, only the US, Canada and Europe actually regulates its production.

The eldest spawn is doomed.  He takes a PB&J to school everyday for lunch.  And since he is 18, I can’t really make him not eat them anymore.  He wouldn’t touch wheat bread with a 10 foot pole.  Maybe a sandwich intervention is in order?  Does ANYONE have any experience with this type of thing?  I could use some advice.

The youngest spawn might be okay.  He used to eat peanut butter and nutella sandwiches, but that ended around the age of 6.  I’d like to think that he found out about the nefariousness of it all, and that is why he ended the insanity.  Not because he is picky and stubborn.  And, he never really did jelly.

Rufus Dragon has been spared.  To my knowledge he has never had a PB&J.  Unless he stole it from one of the spawn.  Then he would be a biggot and a thief.

Farmer Ted has been known to snack on the vileness, but rarely.  Does this mean he is only a sometimes racist?

I, like the youngest spawn, am more than likely a reformed racist.  I used to eat them, but stopped sometime around my freshman year of high school.  I blame my parents, because with 7 children peanut butter and jelly is truly the most economical solution to school lunches.  Way to go parental units.  Way. To. Go.

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Filed under food porn, growdammit, Random, Rufus Dragon, Spawn, Yes, We Went There

Man Down

sock monkey

Don’t even ask.


Confused?  Here are our sock monkey chronicles…

How it All Began

Sock Monkey Madness on Pinterest

My Friends are Sickos

The Spawn Get in On It

Our Sock Monkey Population is Growing

Another Sock Monkey Movie Re-Enactment

And Another

Handicapped Sock Monkeys Need Love Too



Filed under growdammit, Random, Sock Monkey, Spawn

So, I tried to burn down my house. Again.

I am also convinced that I have early onset Alzheimers.  No, really.  My memory is shot.

Anyway, this is the second time in recent history that I’ve been a menace in my own kitchen.  If you didn’t have the pleasure of reading about the hard boiled egg incident, click here.

Last night, I was innocently searing off a steak on the stove for the youngest spawn when I smelled something off.  I started walking around trying to figure it out, when I saw smoke coming from the oven.  I remembered then the pizza box that I had forgotten before when I turned on broil setting on Hi.  I opened the door and a wall of flames shot out that went half way to the ceiling.

I guess I must have yelled for the spawn, which apparently was a panicky call for help with the fire, and they ran in.  Thank God the eldest spawn knew how to operate the fire extinguisher, because I had a complete and total brain fart.  Way to stay cool in the face of chaos, Mom of the Year.  The fire went out, and flamed back up and then went out.  The smoke was horrific.  We dashed in and out of the house trying to turn on fans and open windows here and there to get it out.  Then we stayed out on the deck until it was tolerable enough to go inside and assess damage…

oven fire aftermath

The Aftermath

oven fire aftermath

Pizza Anyone?

oven fire aftermath

Very funny spawn.

Does anyone have ideas on how to get the smoke smell out of my house?


Filed under Random, Spawn

Yet another proud spawn moment.

This is what the 7th grade history teacher had to say about his student of the year choice yesterday…

This next individual, I wouldn’t say he always had a smile on his face, but he always had a look on his face like he wanted to ask a question.  There is one thing as a history teacher I like, and that is when I’m challenged.

History isn’t about what happened and exactly what happened and those specific facts.  We have to take a look at documents and try to figure out what happened.  So, it’s very exciting when students dig deeper and doesn’t accept only what’s written and they take a look and try to analyze and review these facts and try to figure out what happened.

This individual was very good and an astounding individual this year in terms of asking those questions.  I’d like to ask to the stage…the youngest spawn.

He didn’t really call him the youngest spawn.  And the not always smiling bit made me laugh because it is totally the youngest spawn.   That and Every Other award winner was revered as always having a smile on his/her face.  Not one other teacher mentioned feeling challenged.

Anyway he continues to amaze me with the progress he makes to overcome some issues that if he let them, would hinder his success in life.  You can read more about that here.

Oh, and he also won music student of the year.  That was part of a larger group of Unified Arts award winners, so there were no individual awards.


Filed under growdammit, Random, Spawn

Well, I’ll be damned.

My friend Sue gave me a 6 foot snake last year for my birthday.

garden snake

An inflatable natural enemy scarecrow snake.  It’s a new breed.  One that doesn’t bite.

So, I brought it home and showed Ted and then a bunch of inappropriate snake innuendo jokes about snakes, trousers and rabbit holes ensued.  Because we are still 12.  But, we really didn’t give the idea that an inflatable snake would really keep Thumper and his brood out of our garden a lot of credence.  I mean if a Dragon and the 20  cats that roam the neighborhood can’t manage it, what was a fake snake going to do?

If you are my Facebook friend, then you know that last weekend we installed tomatoes, peppers and beans here at GrowDammit Central.  And true to form, the herd of cottontails that have their warren in the neighbor’s yard, started to take notice of the new source of dinner.  So, we thought why not?  Let’s bring out the big guns and see what is what.  The worst thing that could happen would be that Sue would get her money back.

garden snake

We named him Lucifer. You have to hiss when you pronounce the C.

We’ve moved him around the garden perimeter for the past few days.  It’s kind of off-putting when you see him out of the corner of your eye.  The best is that we haven’t seen hide nor hare.

Get it?

When the spawn asked if it was working, Ted told him that a leaf wouldn’t even fall in the yard.  Sorry Sue.

Feel free to leave any snake innuendo jokes you might have in the comments.

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Filed under Actually About The Garden, garden, garden pests, gardening, hummingbird, organic, Rufus Dragon, Spawn

This is why Ted will never be on Wheel of Fortune. Or TV.

We were sitting here tonight watching WOF, which I am freakishly good at from the sofa in my den.  I’ve had a few friends who have been on games shows, and they  have assured me that actually being in the spotlight significantly makes you second guess yourself and dumbs you down by like 50 IQ points.  This is why I’ve never tried to get on the show, despite the encouragement of the spawn.

Anyway instead of sitting back tonight in amazement of my awesomeness, Ted decided he was going to one up me on the “Things Around the House” puzzle.  Mind you, he wasn’t even looking at the TV when he attempted to solve it in rapid fire succession.  It’s better if you read these in the classic Wheel of Fortune contestant voice – loud and well pronounced with pregnant pauses to make sure you aren’t misunderstood.

Pat, I’d like to solve the puzzle…

Pack of Rubbers

Bra on the Floor

Easy Glide Applicator

Ribbed for Her Pleasure

I’d like to buy an X Pat

Oily Anal Discharge

Massengil for That Not So Fresh Feeling

The spawn immediately elected him king of Wheel of Fortune, despite the fact that he would have been escorted from the premises right after “pack of rubbers.”  Probably.

ETA…the eldest spawn elected him king, the youngest spawn is horrified.

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Filed under growdammit, Random, Spawn, Yes, We Went There

Just Keeping it Real

It’s become an obsession.

His and Her Sock Monkeys

We now have His and Her Sock Monkeys.

This is in addition to the vintage sock monkey the Spawn gave Ted for Christmas.

Confused?  Click here to read about how this all began.  Click here to read how this all kept going.  Want more?  Do a search for sock monkey on the blog to see how it all got out of control.

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Filed under growdammit, Sock Monkey, Spawn, Yes, We Went There

Congratulations…Your parents raised an entitled asshole, and so are you.

You are raising a whole new generation.

Farmer Ted and I went to Longwood Gardens tonight to take a sneak peek at their Christmas Light Spectacular Awesomeness Display.  And, it was both spectacular and awesome.  We did a quick run through, and we will be back on a Monday, when it is less crowded.

We enjoyed some lights, and almost got into a fight.

You read that right.

When you pay your admission and enter the gardens, you agree to a set of terms and conditions that not only determine and promise the  enjoyment of all of the other guests, but also protects the delicate environment that we are being given continued witness.  You should stay on the paths and off of the fauna and flora.

So, when we walked passed a family encouraging their spawn to climb the branches of a lit 100 year old dogwood to take pictures…which is violating two rules…I said out loud “I’m pretty sure you aren’t supposed to be climbing the trees.”  To which Dad replied, “They’re kids.”  To which I replied, “And, You’re their parent act like one and respect the rules.”  To which Dad replied “Merry Christmas!”  At this point I had to restrain Ted from being brought up assault charges because really Longwood should be better at reinforcing their own rules.

First, I’m pretty sure the spawn were not begging to climb the tree.  Mom wanted a cute picture and encouraged it.

Second, if my spawn wanted to climb trees where they weren’t supposed to a simple NO would do the trick.

We have a wonderful opportunity as the public to enjoy a private property for its beauty. Pierre DuPont bought this piece of land as a visionary in conservationism.  He was only trying to save a stand of ancient trees.  He expanded with a beautiful home, a dairy farm , an amazing conservatory not only to revolutionize horticulture, but to bring it to the public.

Here is what is going to happen.

I can walk through a beautiful stand of dogwoods that are hundreds of years old.  Some asshole lets his kids climb on them, against the rules, to get a picture.  Every other asshole, lets their kids do the same take pics.   Asshole adults do the same because it is fun.  The trees are stressed.   Fences have to be erected to keep people off of the trees.  I might as well as visit a zoo.  For trees.  Because assholes can’t obey the goddamned rules.

Merry Christmas Jerkoff and to the entitled pissants you are raising.


Filed under Actually About The Garden, garden, gardening, growdammit, Random, Spawn


Dealing with the leftovers.  What do you do on Day 3?  Turkey Tetrazzini?  Turkey Stroganoff?  Turkey Soup?  Turkey Pot Pie?  Not us.  We make Thanksgiving Garbage Plate.  Which is to say, we take all of the leftovers and make them into a glorious leftover casserole.  We don’t even try to disguise the fact that you are eating the same meal all over again.


First, line your pie plate with leftover stuffing. In our case cornbread sausage stuffing.


Then, we layer on leftover mashed po’s and gravy.


Or, with leftover jalapeno cheese grits casserole.


Top with chopped collards, turkey and more gravy.


Really, you can layer it anyway you want.

Throw it in the oven at 350 until it is bubbly.  Then enjoy your feast.  This is the spawn’s preferred method because there is nothing like carbs on bread…


On a sandwich. With a layer of greenbean casserole on bottom and cranberry sauce on top for condiments.

Tonight is the Clemson-Carolina game.  Go Cocks.  I’ll be watching and decorating.





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Filed under food porn, growdammit, Random, Spawn