Category Archives: Yes, We Went There

I’m going to take this as an omen for good things in 2014.

I walked past a nun shopping in the lingerie department of Boscov’s yesterday afternoon.

Farmer Ted wants to know what the deal is with me and nuns.  It isn’t that I’ve really had that many interactions with them, but when I do they are kind of weird.  If you didn’t read our blog post about the time I peed with a couple of nuns in a WaWa and they inadvertently clued me into the fact that the super powerful hand dryer would take your sin off, click here.  If you have such a need and access to a WaWa, you can thank me later for passing this tidbit along.

I shouldn’t even have been in the mall.  I was returning something and thought the store I was looking for was in the mall, when actually it was across the street in one of those Main Street complexes.  Anyway, it was odd and unexpected and fantastic.  Surely it has to mean something, and I’m choosing to believe it means that 2014 will be a banner year at GrowDammit Central.  Or, it could just mean that the nun needed some new skivvies.  Whatever.  The Hoppin’ John and collard greens are rollin’ as a backup measure, and soon we will be oozing with good luck and wealth.

Happy New Year from the Wannabe Farmers!

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I’m probably raising a couple of racists. And, you might be too.

Because, come to find out, the classic peanut butter and jelly sandwich is racist.  At least according to the Principal of a school district in Portland it is.

I apologize in advance people.  Who knew?  I didn’t.  Nor did I get the “Courageous Conversations” memo.  I don’t live in, nor have I ever been to Portland.  And, I’ve never really even considered that it would by any stretch of the imagination be considered white privilege.  Does this mean it is only offensive if it is on white bread?  Could we all have been spared if we had just chosen wheat?  I am hesitant to denounce peanut butter because according to this Wikipedia article, peanuts are found all over the world and in all types of cuisine.  I suppose then that jelly is in cahoots with white bread?  Wikipedia indicates that while some sort of jellyish type of substances are found multi-culturally, only the US, Canada and Europe actually regulates its production.

The eldest spawn is doomed.  He takes a PB&J to school everyday for lunch.  And since he is 18, I can’t really make him not eat them anymore.  He wouldn’t touch wheat bread with a 10 foot pole.  Maybe a sandwich intervention is in order?  Does ANYONE have any experience with this type of thing?  I could use some advice.

The youngest spawn might be okay.  He used to eat peanut butter and nutella sandwiches, but that ended around the age of 6.  I’d like to think that he found out about the nefariousness of it all, and that is why he ended the insanity.  Not because he is picky and stubborn.  And, he never really did jelly.

Rufus Dragon has been spared.  To my knowledge he has never had a PB&J.  Unless he stole it from one of the spawn.  Then he would be a biggot and a thief.

Farmer Ted has been known to snack on the vileness, but rarely.  Does this mean he is only a sometimes racist?

I, like the youngest spawn, am more than likely a reformed racist.  I used to eat them, but stopped sometime around my freshman year of high school.  I blame my parents, because with 7 children peanut butter and jelly is truly the most economical solution to school lunches.  Way to go parental units.  Way. To. Go.

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Coming Soon…

If you are here because of Farmer Ted’s cryptic Facebook post about us selling a piece of shit house, bare with us.  The man has a blog post in mind.  And he has ADD.  Clearly there is no blog post at this moment.  He does have something in mind, so check back with us regularly.

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Because handicapped sock monkeys need love too…

You read that right.

sock monkey missing an arm

What’s wrong with this picture?

sock monkey missing an arm

We found him in the bargain bin.

sock monkey

They didn’t even give him a smile.

If you don’t know about our sordid sock monkey history, click here.  Also search our blog for more sock monkey fun.

 

 

 

 

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It’s that time of year again…

It’s 57 degrees right now in good ol’ Yankeeland, so you know what that means.  Toddler Pants.  That’s right people.  Ted just walked in the Family Room with his on.  This time he’s wearing his Wikipedia hoodie instead of his Rocky sweatshirt.

If you are confused, click here.

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There are two things you should never discuss with a woman…

Of course Farmer Ted got caught up in one no-no (copied straight from his Facebook page)…

Here’s how the conversation took a nose dive at the bar the other night.

(Bartender Chick) “Did You guys hear what that asshole said to Me earlier?!”

(Dude at the bar) “Nah. What’d he say?”

(Bartender Chick) “He said that I was pretty hot for being 50!!!”

(Me) “DAMN! That’s some cold shit, man!”

(Dude at the bar) “No shit…… I’d be REALLY REALLY surprised if you were a
day over 40.” “Really surprised….”

(Me) “Yeah…. No shit.”

(Bartender Chick) “I’m FUCKING 34!!!!!!”

(Dude at the bar) “Uh…”

(Me) SURPRISE!

(Bartender Chick) “You guys ready to cash out?”

 

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So. My former boss’ earring ended up in my cleavage today.

And, it was the highlight of her week.

She hugged me goodbye…the silver hoop took a nosedive.

And, it was the highlight of my new boss’ week for different reasons because he is a dude and witnessed the whole thing as I tried to fish it out.   Right in front of him.   Before I turned away in an attempt to kind of be modest.

Jesus.

I don’t even know how to write out the bizarreness and make it more entertaining than that.

I will write about this…I am losing an amazing mentor this past week.  A woman in corporate America who is not only NOT intimidated by an intelligent woman coming into her space, but who recognizes potential and takes the time to teach and challenge a woman who can give her a run for her money and leave her coming back thirsting for more.  And, she doesn’t stop daring you to learn more, be better, fly higher.

This type of woman, unfortunately, is few and far between.  And she is beautiful.  She will be missed.

Her theme song dedicated by me is this Cake “Short Skirt, Long Jacket”

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This is why Ted will never be on Wheel of Fortune. Or TV.

We were sitting here tonight watching WOF, which I am freakishly good at from the sofa in my den.  I’ve had a few friends who have been on games shows, and they  have assured me that actually being in the spotlight significantly makes you second guess yourself and dumbs you down by like 50 IQ points.  This is why I’ve never tried to get on the show, despite the encouragement of the spawn.

Anyway instead of sitting back tonight in amazement of my awesomeness, Ted decided he was going to one up me on the “Things Around the House” puzzle.  Mind you, he wasn’t even looking at the TV when he attempted to solve it in rapid fire succession.  It’s better if you read these in the classic Wheel of Fortune contestant voice – loud and well pronounced with pregnant pauses to make sure you aren’t misunderstood.

Pat, I’d like to solve the puzzle…

Pack of Rubbers

Bra on the Floor

Easy Glide Applicator

Ribbed for Her Pleasure

I’d like to buy an X Pat

Oily Anal Discharge

Massengil for That Not So Fresh Feeling

The spawn immediately elected him king of Wheel of Fortune, despite the fact that he would have been escorted from the premises right after “pack of rubbers.”  Probably.

ETA…the eldest spawn elected him king, the youngest spawn is horrified.

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Either this, or a male stripper.

My Office Manager sent this email to the company today…

Will you help me celebrate my mom’s birthday?

My mom is going to be 104 this month; when she was 85, I started doing creative things to try to make each birthday special – little did I know that I would still be striving for special 19 years later!

This year’s idea is a “card shower”.  I have been contacting friends and family around the country to request birthday cards; even suggesting they solicit cards from their friends. Goal is 104 cards!

Facts about Edna:

  • She was born April 20, 1909        
  • She remembers the end of World War 1
  • She remembers the headlines about Charles Lindbergh, Amelia Earheart, and Seabiscuit
  • She worked through the Great Depression
  • She lived in Chicago during the Roaring Twenties (Al Capone, St. Valentine’s Day Massacre); went to Speakeasys and drank bathtub gin
  • She traveled to Hawaii when the only way to get was by boat

She currently lives alone in an apartment and has no ailments (HOW CAN THAT BE!!!).  When we play cards, she can add up the score in her head as fast as the rest of us! Please help celebrate this special lady’s birthday.  Thanks!

Let’s make it 204 people!  If you want to participate, message me here or on Facebook for her address.  I’d rather not put it out on a public blog.

If you want to send  a dude from Golden Banana BirthdayGrams, message me here or on Facebook for my address.

What?  I have to hold auditions.

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As it turns out, I’m a thief.

And, probably so are you.  That is if you plug in your cell phone or any other device that you need to charge while you are at work and you don’t own the business,  according to a friend of mine’s former boss.   Apparently this is considered stealing electricity.

This gets better.

Don’t dare take out the trash bag full of rotten food that is making the entire staff want to vomit.  This is gross insubordination, and makes you an untrustworthy employee.

Who knew?

Feel free to share this blog post with everyone you know.  Consider it a PSA from me to the rest of the poor hardworking shmos out there who are unwittingly stealing and being generally shifty.

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