Tag Archives: growdammit
We are starting to harvest some cherry and pear. What have we been doing with them?
The yellow zebra was interesting, sweet with just a hint of tart. It would make a nice fried tomato – not as tangy as a plain green one.
Stay tuned for more heirloom news from GrowDammit Central.
I guess this makes us an unofficial locally sourced suburban farm…
Next up – heirloom tomatoes and peppers.
And, he’s increasingly becoming a real pain in the ass about it. I Googled passive aggressive behavior in dogs. He exhibits all of the classic signs:
- Nudging and whining to get attention – This is what we call “herding.” He jumps on our legs and pushes us in the direction of where he wants us to go. If we remain unmoved, stare at him and say “What?” he whines. His whining makes him sound like a Wookie (May the Fourth Be With You btw).
- Refusing to walk with a leash – The Dragon doesn’t exactly refuse to walk on a leash, but it clearly confuses him. If there is a post, pole, other human around to get tangled with…he will. I’m not entirely convinced that it it’s the leash that stresses him out, more than likely it’s the exercise or being outside of his kingdom or being in a crowd.
- Hiding or running away when you get home – This actually happens when he has done something he knows he shouldn’t have…getting in the trash being the biggest offense. It might also have been because he has tried to steal your spiral ham or your parmesan cheese.
- Selective deafness – He has discovered that the electric fence is no longer in operation and has been enjoying his freedom. The jackass has mastered the art of staring off in the opposite direction when caught moving too far outside of his boundaries. If we have to go and chase him down because he won’t come when called, he actually skirts us and hauls ass back into the house…then does the hiding thing under the bed in the guestroom. Funny, he can hear the treat jar being opened over a mile away.
Lately, he’s been trying to dictate suppertime. His most recent annoying habit is to paw at his bowl if we are in the kitchen making supper. I look at him and tell him to stop it, which he does and then he does this…
Dear Soon to Be Ex-Neighbor,
I’ve lived across the street from you for over 13 years, and never realized what a T-Total Bitch you are. Granted I didn’t know you all that well, since you rarely ever left your house. Frankly, at one point I thought you were a vampire. Now I know you are a just a passive aggressive twat.
Yes, it is true that in the past few weeks we have been using the driveway of your home that has stood vacant for over a year. With 3 drivers and 2 feet of snow on the ground, it’s been a total lesson in playing musical cars for us. It’s also true that if it weren’t for the kindness of neighbors, your driveway would be under about 2 feet of snow right now. Since you couldn’t be bothered to have someone come care for your property in the past year, neighbors have been blowing the snow and cutting the grass and getting rid of the leaves.
Let’s get the facts straight right off the rip. The eldest spawn parked his car at the bottom of your drive, that WE and your other neighbor had cleaned the bottom of after having 16 inches of snow dumped on us the night before. When someone, who was not you, came and asked us to move it, we did immediately Then later someone, still not you, came and blew the rest of the snow off of the top of the drive. Here’s the problem, they didn’t shovel the inch of slush left from the blower and it froze overnight. THAT is why your driveway is a sheet of ice and you had to cancel the last minute garage sale that you apparently planned overnight for this morning – when we were expecting another round of ice and snow.
This sign you put up this morning was completely unnecessary.
The fine print says …
Sorry about all the ice. We have the neighbor across the street to blame for all this ice. The neighbor parked his car at the end of my driveway and blocked my driveway so the plow could not get in. His mother would not allow her own child to park in their own driveway park behind her car because she didn’t want to be blocked in. Consequently, the jerk parked his car in my the driveway.
Lets get a few things straight “Blondie”:
A. You didn’t send a plow. You sent an old man with a rinky-dink snow blower who did a half-assed job.
B. I’m not sure how you would know what I will and will not allow my spawn to do because not only have you not been around for a year, but you only left the house about once a month when you did live here.
C. My car wasn’t even here to be blocked in because it was at work with me. I understand work is a foreign concept to you, since from what I can tell you never did any of it.
D. The minute the jerk was asked to move the car, he did.
E. You are going to be very sorry you called my spawn a jerk tomorrow when you show up for said garage sale, if you bother to show up, because Ted is good and pissed and has a thing or two to say to you. I’ve asked him not to say anything about the extracurricular activities you participated in when you were still married.
F. You might want to check your grammar the next time you want to leave a nasty gram. It’s embarrassing. Aren’t you supposed to be some sort of freelance writer? From the looks of it, you probably aren’t very successful.
Sayonara Bitch. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out of the neighborhood. You won’t be missed.
The Jerk’s Mother
I realize that we didn’t blog about our garden this year at all, and I am blaming the shitty weather we had up here in Yankeeland this summer. We had so much rain that nothing thrived. Our tomatoes did okay, but we had many vines that never even bore fruit or if they did they didn’t ripen before they burst open or rotted on the vine. Bambi and Thumper didn’t help matters by munching on our okra and sweet peppers. The birds ate our raspberries. Every last one of them. Sometimes, you just can’t win. We’ll chalk this up to yet another learning experience.
Ted had the past two days off, so I took a couple of vacation days. He was looking forward to some quality nap time. I had other ideas.
I’m pretty proud of us. This is our most ambitious canning endeavor yet, since I realized I was indeed turning into my mother. She’s the plant whisperer, who coincidentally had a birthday yesterday. Click here to read about how she totally kicks our gardening asses.
I’m especially proud of Farmer Ted the Chef, who spent his time off cooking and didn’t even complain about it. Much.
These are the last of the ripe tomatoes people. I think it’s gotten to chilly up here at GrowDammit Central, so we will be pulling the vines out of the ground and harvesting the green tomatoes for chow-chow. Of course, we will have to reserve a few for fried green tomato and pimento cheese sandwiches. *drool*
Or, is it getting our Mayo on? Either way, we had…
Stay tuned because tomorrow night we will have some of the same fixin’s with different proteins. The spawn abandoned us for May 5th, so we gotta do a May 6th. Kentucky Derby, Kentucky Schmerby spawn. Sexto de Mayo?
That sounds all kinds of wrong.
Wrong on so many levels…
So, on our day trip yesterday Ted and I were walking down the street and passed a toy store with sock monkeys in the window. And we proceeded to have a conversation that I would have never imagined I would ever possibly have in a million years.
Ted: Hey, do you remember when we were kids and the boy sock monkeys had a dick?
Me: Nuh-Uh. You are lying.
Ted: Yeah man. They came with a little pair of shorts, and when you pulled them down his dick popped up.
Me: I have never heard of such a thing. You are trying to pull one over on me.
Ted: I swear to God. I had one.
Me: You had a boy sock monkey…with a penis?
Ted: I sure did.
Me: Right. I wasn’t born yesterday Ted.
Ted: The girl monkeys had vaginas. I didn’t have one of those.
|Apparently, I WAS born yesterday.|
|Not only a vagina, but boobs too.|
As if these aren’t bad enough. Googling this subject found…
|I pity the FOOL.|
|I have a feeling this might keep me up at night.|
Next…My ass dress. Boy, this blog has gone WAY off topic.